here
I find this medium better suits my needs.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Eclipse and The Last Airbender: Two movies that turn me into a complete bitch.
So a few days ago I saw Eclipse and The Last Airbender. You may wonder, “Why would she do such a thing?” Well, let me tell you: it was free. I have friends in high places (or behind the concession stand) who hook me up.
This is not a movie review, for the best reviewers go into the movie with an unbiased mentality. I was biased from the beginning, so many would say I did not give these movies a fair chance. Maybe I didn’t, but it’s not like they deserved it anyway.
The Last Airbender:
As a dedicated fan of the television series from which it was modeled (Avatar: The Last Airbender) I found watching M. Night Shyamalan’s (MNS) concoction to be a truly excruciating experience. He has found away to rape and decapitate everything clever and wonderful about the story. He decided that Aang (pronounced “ONG”) should be serious and melancholy, as if the fucking world was resting on his shoulders. You know Aang is supposed to be lighthearted and childlike, but Ong was not. He just brooded. Sokka (pronounced with a long “o” like So-ka) is also quite serious. Sokka is an idiot who thinks he’s really funny. So-ka is just grim. Katara is a useless lump from beginning to end and MNS instrument for exposition. All she does (besides bitch and moan) is do voiceovers that are supposed to explain this watered down version of an entire first season. What really pissed me off was Iroh. In the show he is fat and jolly with a Wise Old Asian air about him. MNS’s Iroh is the complete opposite. Iroh is one of my favorite characters, and I take personal offense to this.
And then there’s prince Zuko. I love Dave Patel from Slumdog Millionaire, but he is not my Zuko. My Zuko is sexy in that I’m-tortured-and-angsty sort of way. I’m half in love with cartoon Zuko, half in lust. I don’t even care that he’s animated. I don’t care.
I usually don’t play the race card, but MNS totally ignored the cultural aspects of the show. He made all of the primary characters white, but all the minor characters, extras and villains were Asian (with one black monk). The nations are supposed to represent different Asian cultures. Duh.
To top it all off, it felt rushed and half-assed. None of the principal actors can deliver a line to a believable degree and even Jackson Rathbone’s large, piercing eyes and strong, chiseled jaw could distract me from his shitty acting. The actual bending looked absolutely ridiculous. In the show, the bending moves flow from the bender in a natural way as they bend their element. In the movie, the actors did about twenty minutes of 80s style kung-fu before something happened. It was ridiculous. I feel like MNS took the show to dinner and when the show wouldn’t put out, he held the show down, raped it, beat it and told it not to tell.
Eclipse:
Ok, Twi-tards, I know you lurve Kstew and Rpatz but enough is enough. I’m going to save you from the dark, dark place that you are headed. I will share with you my struggle with the Twilight Saga.
I consider myself a smart and reasonable young woman; I’m educated and independent. Raised by my dad, (who is the biggest feminist I have ever met) I know how to take care of myself and think rationally.
Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight tests every strong, rational and feminist quality about me. I understand, Twi-tards, how easy it is to get sucked into it. It’s like a drug, and not the good kind like Codeine or Vicodin. It’s the kind of drug that promises good things and just leaves you empty, angry and partially suicidal.
Bella is a nauseating whore of a protagonist. All she does is complain and whine and cling to Edward, who is controlling and slightly abusive. There is nothing healthy about their relationship: how bad is it when you have to beg your boyfriend to do you? And when he finally does (reluctantly, of course) you black out and wake up with bruises and no memory of it. That’s not making love, bitch—that’s rape.
Bella doesn’t care, though. She can be controlled and abused as long as she has her man. She doesn’t even want to go to college. Stephenie insists on injecting her Mormon views into the books (Disclaimer: I respect all religions and belief systems, but I don’t want to see it in the vampire novel, unless it’s about Catholics ending vampires: That’s plausible.) and setting a bad example for impressionable young girls. Stuff like, marry as young as you can (preferably right out of high school, so you don’t receive any higher education) and never, ever give up your mutant hybrid baby even though it’s killing you. Oh, and it’s good to have a man that rapes you, that’s what a weak woman like you needs. I could go on and on about how Bella influences young girls to be weak-willed and silly, but I will not. I will return to the struggle.
The struggle is Jacob. It’s really hard to dislike a big, strong sexy man who happens to be a werewolf and totally in love with you. At least, it’s hard for me. Bella doesn’t deserve someone like Jacob. I deserve someone like Jacob. Naked. And in my bed.
Taylor Lautner does not make this struggle easier. During his first scene (in which he turns in slow motion to face the camera) I was torn between rolling my eyes at the cheesiness and panting. For the record, I opted to pant. The actors who play Emmett and Jasper have the same effect on me, too. It was weird that Jasper all of a sudden had a Southern accent. It was missing in the previous two movies.
But what keeps me grounded is Kstew. She’s a horrible actor and a horrible person. Her only gift is to highlight just how terrible the movie is. Her idea of acting is to twitch and stutter while doing awkward chuckles here and there to emphasize her quirkiness. It makes me sick. She makes me want to throw her under a bus, so I guess she’s portraying Bella correctly.
Hmm, I thought that venting about these atrocious movies would make me feel better, but it doesn't. I don’t think my world will be right until I kick MNS’s ass and knock some common sense into every Twi-tard out there. Repeatedly, and with a blunt object.
This is not a movie review, for the best reviewers go into the movie with an unbiased mentality. I was biased from the beginning, so many would say I did not give these movies a fair chance. Maybe I didn’t, but it’s not like they deserved it anyway.
The Last Airbender:
As a dedicated fan of the television series from which it was modeled (Avatar: The Last Airbender) I found watching M. Night Shyamalan’s (MNS) concoction to be a truly excruciating experience. He has found away to rape and decapitate everything clever and wonderful about the story. He decided that Aang (pronounced “ONG”) should be serious and melancholy, as if the fucking world was resting on his shoulders. You know Aang is supposed to be lighthearted and childlike, but Ong was not. He just brooded. Sokka (pronounced with a long “o” like So-ka) is also quite serious. Sokka is an idiot who thinks he’s really funny. So-ka is just grim. Katara is a useless lump from beginning to end and MNS instrument for exposition. All she does (besides bitch and moan) is do voiceovers that are supposed to explain this watered down version of an entire first season. What really pissed me off was Iroh. In the show he is fat and jolly with a Wise Old Asian air about him. MNS’s Iroh is the complete opposite. Iroh is one of my favorite characters, and I take personal offense to this.
And then there’s prince Zuko. I love Dave Patel from Slumdog Millionaire, but he is not my Zuko. My Zuko is sexy in that I’m-tortured-and-angsty sort of way. I’m half in love with cartoon Zuko, half in lust. I don’t even care that he’s animated. I don’t care.
I usually don’t play the race card, but MNS totally ignored the cultural aspects of the show. He made all of the primary characters white, but all the minor characters, extras and villains were Asian (with one black monk). The nations are supposed to represent different Asian cultures. Duh.
To top it all off, it felt rushed and half-assed. None of the principal actors can deliver a line to a believable degree and even Jackson Rathbone’s large, piercing eyes and strong, chiseled jaw could distract me from his shitty acting. The actual bending looked absolutely ridiculous. In the show, the bending moves flow from the bender in a natural way as they bend their element. In the movie, the actors did about twenty minutes of 80s style kung-fu before something happened. It was ridiculous. I feel like MNS took the show to dinner and when the show wouldn’t put out, he held the show down, raped it, beat it and told it not to tell.
Eclipse:
Ok, Twi-tards, I know you lurve Kstew and Rpatz but enough is enough. I’m going to save you from the dark, dark place that you are headed. I will share with you my struggle with the Twilight Saga.
I consider myself a smart and reasonable young woman; I’m educated and independent. Raised by my dad, (who is the biggest feminist I have ever met) I know how to take care of myself and think rationally.
Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight tests every strong, rational and feminist quality about me. I understand, Twi-tards, how easy it is to get sucked into it. It’s like a drug, and not the good kind like Codeine or Vicodin. It’s the kind of drug that promises good things and just leaves you empty, angry and partially suicidal.
Bella is a nauseating whore of a protagonist. All she does is complain and whine and cling to Edward, who is controlling and slightly abusive. There is nothing healthy about their relationship: how bad is it when you have to beg your boyfriend to do you? And when he finally does (reluctantly, of course) you black out and wake up with bruises and no memory of it. That’s not making love, bitch—that’s rape.
Bella doesn’t care, though. She can be controlled and abused as long as she has her man. She doesn’t even want to go to college. Stephenie insists on injecting her Mormon views into the books (Disclaimer: I respect all religions and belief systems, but I don’t want to see it in the vampire novel, unless it’s about Catholics ending vampires: That’s plausible.) and setting a bad example for impressionable young girls. Stuff like, marry as young as you can (preferably right out of high school, so you don’t receive any higher education) and never, ever give up your mutant hybrid baby even though it’s killing you. Oh, and it’s good to have a man that rapes you, that’s what a weak woman like you needs. I could go on and on about how Bella influences young girls to be weak-willed and silly, but I will not. I will return to the struggle.
The struggle is Jacob. It’s really hard to dislike a big, strong sexy man who happens to be a werewolf and totally in love with you. At least, it’s hard for me. Bella doesn’t deserve someone like Jacob. I deserve someone like Jacob. Naked. And in my bed.
Taylor Lautner does not make this struggle easier. During his first scene (in which he turns in slow motion to face the camera) I was torn between rolling my eyes at the cheesiness and panting. For the record, I opted to pant. The actors who play Emmett and Jasper have the same effect on me, too. It was weird that Jasper all of a sudden had a Southern accent. It was missing in the previous two movies.
But what keeps me grounded is Kstew. She’s a horrible actor and a horrible person. Her only gift is to highlight just how terrible the movie is. Her idea of acting is to twitch and stutter while doing awkward chuckles here and there to emphasize her quirkiness. It makes me sick. She makes me want to throw her under a bus, so I guess she’s portraying Bella correctly.
Hmm, I thought that venting about these atrocious movies would make me feel better, but it doesn't. I don’t think my world will be right until I kick MNS’s ass and knock some common sense into every Twi-tard out there. Repeatedly, and with a blunt object.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Funny people should have funny blogs
On occasion I can be clever and witty. As a result, I’ve decided to practice my wittiness on you poor, unsuspecting internet surfers. While I am subjecting you to my humor, I fully expect you to laugh and praise me for how sharp I am. It doesn’t even have to be sincere, and any of the following are acceptable:
-Wow Annelise you’re so funny! I was laughing so hard!
-OMG Annelise lyke I luv ur blog!!1!1!!
-You are quite entertaining.
-You can be clever and witty on occasion.
-Hahahaha
-Lol
-Lolz
-FTW
-I love you.
Or any variation of those. By leaving such generous (albeit false) comments you will have the dubious honor of boosting my ego, making me happy and saving a baby seal. So do the right thing and save the animals!
Love,
Annelise
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